Note: This post is actually a letter for the “Oh, Cruel World” section of the Boston weekly paper the “Dig.” They publish one of these sort of letters every week, usually accompanied by a great cartoon… I’m hoping to get some paper space next week. Wish me luck!
Dear Two Guys With Jackhammers Outside My Window at 7:08 a.m.,
While I appreciate your enthusiasm for what is probably the only job that will pay a person with an IQ of 14 more than ten bucks an hour, I also appreciate my sleep. Yesterday the guy (maybe it was one of you?) saved the jackhammer for just after eleven, which prevented me from watching bad reruns on TV while I drank my coffee but thankfully spared me my last two hours of shut-eye.
I understand that the City of Somerville has given you the green light to go ahead and start tearing the hell out of our street at 7:00, but for the love of human decency, could you have waited more than eight minutes?! In about five seconds I’m gonna go out there and give you each a Prince Albert with those goddamn tools and save the Aileen Wuornos look-alikes you’ve got waiting at home a few months of Natural Ice-fueled half-flaccid “encounters.” They’ll be eternally grateful, I’m sure.
Now that I think of it, you two could go jackhammer each other for a couple of hours and come back after lunch. I’m sure the DPW won’t check up on exactly what you were pounding away at for three hours, thereby ensuring your 58 bucks, your wives’ salvation from “I know we did it last week but”, and most importantly, another few hours of peaceful slumber on my day off.
I hope the creepy staring lady from down the street pelts you with eggs from her second story balcony. I’d do it, but I don’t have any eggs.
Half Deaf and Sleep-Deprived in Somerville