How Not To Be An Annoying Flake–a long-winded note to self.

1. When your alarm rings, get up. Do not hit the snooze button, and if you find you simply must hit the snooze button, make sure to do so no more than three times.

2. Calculate how long it takes you to get to whatever destination you need to be headed for, and leave five minutes before your calculations dictate that you should, NOT five minutes after.

3. Before you leave the house, check to make sure you have everything you need: wallet, sunglasses, KEYS… and check again once you’ve gotten to your destination (so if you happened to forget your KEYS, you can call your roommates early and not have to wake them up at 2 a.m.)

4. When you get a bill, write a check. Do not wait until the absolutely last day it can be paid without being late and pay it by phone while you’re walking down the street, five minutes late for wherever you’re supposed to be.

5. Go to the bank and make deposits frequently, so that you will have the money to write the check when the bill comes so you won’t end up on the phone at the last possible minute (whew).

6. Look at your calendar every day before you get started. You know you’ve written things on it that you need to do (like returning the library books that were due in May), and you’ll forget them if you don’t look at the damn calendar. Set reminders in your cell phone if you have to, just RETURN THE DAMN BOOKS.

7. Spend the money to get a new cell phone so that when you forget to put your phone on vibrate and you don’t want to answer a call, you can silence it, rather than forcing everyone in the room to listen to Beethoven’s fifth at top volume three times in a half hour just because your crazy sister won’t stop calling and you can’t shut off the ringer.

8. Never choose Beethoven’s Fifth as the ringtone for anything. Stay away from Gnarls Barkley, too.

9. Do your errands when you have time–say, during the time that you usually spend reading books of little literary merit and consuming ridiculous amounts of black coffee–so you don’t have to do them on your way to work, thereby making you late.

10. If you’re a waitress, use a pad and pen and write things down instead of trying to be a showoff and remember a table’s entire order in your head. Just because you can achieve this monumentous mental feat most of the time doesn’t mean it’s not a pain in the ass when you come back to the table thirty seconds later and say, “I’m sorry, what did you order?”

11. For fuck’s sake, go to sleep when normal people do, that way you won’t be so damn tired and forgetful all the time, you bloody nincompoop. Get stoned. Drink wine. Do whatever the hell you need to do to make your eyes stay shut for more than five hours at a time so that you can wake up before noon and NOT BE A FLAKE.

12. Take your goddamn keys with you. Wear them around your neck like a necklace, hang them from your bra strap, fold them into the leg of your pants, embed them underneath your skin, just BRING YOUR KEYS WITH YOU, ASSHOLE. Nobody wants to talk to you at 2 a.m., least of all your roommate who was peacefully sleeping but was rudely awakened because you forgot (again) to BRING YOUR KEYS WITH YOU. While you’re at it, remember to buy cigarettes when you’re running low too, jackass. And if you’re gonna smoke, carry a frickin’ lighter.

~ by saltgirlspeaks on 23 July, 2007.

One Response to “How Not To Be An Annoying Flake–a long-winded note to self.”

  1. But then, Dear, would you still be you?

    Thanks for the laugh; I needed it.

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