Dear Drunk Twenty-One Year-Olds On The Subway, There are certain ground rules that should probably be followed if you live in a city and you’re a woman–particularly if you’re a young, attractive woman. They are as follows:
- Do not talk to strange men on the subway at midnight.
- Do not tell strange men on the subway that you’re drunk (and if you can hide the fact, do your best).
- Do not tell strange men on the subway where you’re getting off the train.
- Do not tell strange men on the subway how many drinks you’ve had and what they were.
- Do not suck on a lollipop, of any shape, size, or flavor, in front of strange men on the subway at midnight.
- Most importantly, DO NOT, under any circumstances, tell strange men on the subway that the reason you’re so wasted is because you just came from a sex toy party. EVER. Got it?
The fact that there were three of you only makes it more enticing, as I doubt any one of you had the alacrity to avoid an oncoming turtle or the dexterity to tie your own shoe. It’d be like those bad running dreams, where your feet are full of lead… I hope you got home safely. And I hope that in the morning you remember what you did, tell the story to someone else, and they slap you until the dumb comes out your ears.
- Sincerely,The Voice of Reason