I go away when I feel trapped. I can never afford it, but I do it anyway. Unfailingly, however, the few days I spend in another place, particularly a familiar, friendly place, makes me feel more trapped in whatever place I’m supposed to be than I already did.
I move, and as certain as there will be 24 hours in every day, the moment I leave somewhere, something happens that I wish I were there for. Whatever town I leave behind comes alive in my absence, or perhaps I miss meeting the people I should have met, or witnessing the events I wish I’d been there for. As soon as my exit is complete, I start wishing I’d never decided to leave–but of course if I had stayed, I would have continued to feel trapped, and none of the things that happened upon my departure would have occurred.
I am the queen of terrible timing.
I long too much, perhaps, for the carefree days of my youth. I miss the liberty of having no bills, and no creditors, and no obligations, and no possessions. I am tempted every day to either put my belongings in storage or throw them away, and take what money I have and keep going until it’s gone. I am in my old home, and I want to stay here until I feel like leaving, rather than getting on a plane before I’m ready to go. From here, I don’t want to return to the Vineyard, or to Boston, but to keep going from place to place until I feel I’m somewhat whole again.
But will I be whole again? Will running make any of it any better? Do I feel trapped only because I am battling this epic loneliness called grief, or because I’m truly disenchanted with my surroundings?
I forget what it feels like to have a goal; to want something the way I once wanted this expensive education I’ve put so much time into. Right now, all I want is to feel less lonely, less stranded–and because I’m still possessing of my capacity for logic, I know that lonely goes away only when it’s ready and not a moment before. I can go to school or not go to school, I can move or not move, and the ache will stay until it’s done with me.
This realization does not make me dread getting back on the plane any less. I wish it did.
Yesterday, for a few moments or hours, I was not lonely or sad. I want that feeling back.