Discovering New Bruises By The Day

I, like pretty much anyone with a computer these days, am on MySpace. In their ongoing attempt to make face to face communication between people obsolete, MySpace has added “status updates,” which virtually negate the need for small talk messaging. If you want to know how a friend is, on a completely superficial level (and on MySpace it’s always superficial), you can just scroll down the status update list for all of your friends and find out that John is feeling “bubbly,” or Joe is feeling “understimulated.”

This is quite clever, but I find MySpace’s list of choices quite insufficient. For example, “tired” just doesn’t cut it sometimes. “Exhausted” is a choice, but sometimes that’s not enough either. After having barely survived the month of August, I would like to petition for the addition of “Alive Only In Theory.” Also necessary for the month of August, and applicable to at least three of my friends would be “Fuck You All.”

Some other options I’d like to see:

Unintelligently Wasted
I Can Feel The Pain In My Teeth
There’s Not Enough Whiskey In The Known World
Losing Brain Cells By The Minute
Armed and Dangerous
Punching Blindly At The Nothing
Still In Yesterday’s Clothes
Where Is My Damn Medication?!
Stomach Is Eating Itself
Kicking Shins And Taking Names
Broke And Broken
Slipsliding Away
Flat Fucking Nuts
Ridden Hard And Put Away Wet
Standing In The Shadow Of The Elephant In The Room
Suffering From A Mild Case of Leprosy
Beaten Like A Redhead
Twitching Uncontrollably
Excuse Me…Do I Know You?
Just Plain Dead Inside
Hot Like A Jabanero
Brown (for all you Ween fans out there)
Kill Me Now
Kill Yourself Now
Bursting With Fruit Flavor
Hallucinating Wildly
Flipped Out And Bedraggled
A Total Shit Show
I Just Threw Up In My Mouth A Little
Easy Like Sunday Morning
Nothin’ But Net
Shaken, Not Stirred
Giving The World The Finger
Sand In Unmentionable Places
Very Interesting… But Stupid.

and of course, we can’t forget… Salty.

~ by saltgirlspeaks on 4 September, 2008.

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