Invasion Of The Sped Bugs

My house is infested with potato bugs. You know them–gray, oval-shaped and crunchy when you step on them. They’re on the kitchen floor, on the deck, in the shower… they’re everywhere. Well, they’re everywhere that’s the floor. They are not in our beds, or in the kitchen sink, or in any truly disturbing places. They walk around in irregular circles on the floor, and huddle together next to the bathroom sink, and walk back and forth across the baseboards, wagging their little feelers as though they actually have brains and are searching for something specific.

They are not quick. There are crushed potato bug carcasses everywhere. Every time I go in the bathroom, I swipe up two or three with a piece of toilet paper and flush them.

My roommate and I considered bombing the house (which we haven’t ruled out entirely), but when we brought it up, our friend Maddy pointed out that these bugs, while a nuisance, aren’t really an infestation to be truly worried about. “They’re not the brightest bugs around,” she said. “They’re driving twenty miles an hour with the fucking blinker on.” Right. The Sped Bugs.

We discussed what would happen if we were to feed them hallucinogens, and came to the conclusion that not much would change. They would walk around in awkward, janky little circles, and occasionally twitch. Which they already do. It would be a waste of drugs.

So for the time being, we’re waiting it out, hoping that the Sped Bugs will die off soon, as the weather is changing. It’s a brand new house, so we’re not worried about rot, or funk, or any other grossness being the source of our invasion of “special” little friends. It’s probably just the humidity, we figure, or perhaps the fact that the ground our house is on was covered with trees less than two years ago, and therefore the bugs are refugees.

In any case, I’m buying a vacuum cleaner on Wednesday. I’d wager that seeing as the little suckers aren’t quick enough to escape a paper towel wielded by a clumsy person, they won’t stand a chance against an Electrolux.


~ by saltgirlspeaks on 9 September, 2008.

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