On Indecision… and Teleportation.

My heart is confused. It doesn’t know what it wants, or where in the world it wants to be. Seems to change its mind just about every day. Man, I feel like I’m 18 again, in a not-so-awesome way.

Does there ever come a point in life where we don’t periodically desire something completely different than what we’ve previously chosen? Or is that just me? I envy people who just know what they want, and pursue it, and are satisfied when they get it. I can’t make up my damn mind. I want everything, and nothing. It’s really hard to pursue a dream or goal when that dream or goal keeps morphing into something else, often totally unrelated. I want everything… and nothing.

I guess what I really want is to be able to teleport. That would solve most of my problems quite efficiently, I think. That’s the only way I can think of that I could have it all and not have to choose. I hate choosing between multiple things that I like…

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~ by saltgirlspeaks on 11 November, 2011.

One Response to “On Indecision… and Teleportation.”

  1. oh maaaaan Martha I know just what you mean! Listen–it took me a long time to figure this stuff out too. And once I did, I found that some parts were still confusing! It wasn’t until I turned 29 that things started to come together for me. And right now I’m finding that “knowing” what you want is not the same as feeling like you are ok with what you have. I know that seems corny…..allow me to explain a little.

    First of all, I know you have had a difficult time in your life since you were a kid–me too. For different reasons, but yeah, shit got real. One thing I have learned is that those people who have just had this nice, simple life and gone after what they wanted and just chilled (like the people you were talking about in this post)…….well they get theirs too. No one gets out of life unscathed and without trauma of some kind. It just might not be the same kind of “I don’t know what I want out of my life” that you and I have been through. However, it’s important to remember that those people all wish that they could have had all the “cool” experiences that you and I have had where we got to travel and live all over the place and try out different things. So, it’s all relative…….but I get it. I felt that way for years, and I still do sometimes when I realize how old I am and how much further along everyone else is in life. But who cares????

    This past year, all Adam and I have done is talk about where we want to live and settle down and raise a family. It took a lot of back and forth and runaround to finally come to a decision. That’s tough when you have traveled around so much, and for me I have never had a sense of home anywhere in my life except the Vineyard because it is where I was born and where my family and I came back to time and again–every. time. we. moved. A million times. In my entire life, I have never lived anywhere for longer than five years, and have never gone more than four years without moving to a different living space. You and I, although for different reasons, are wanderers–searching, constantly. I finally had this epiphany where I realized that there is absolutely no perfect place to live. No place is going to have EVERYTHING that we want. Especially not me, because I have experienced so much!!

    As far as a career, think about what kind of lifestyle you want! I would have loved to be a professional musician in a band and travel around or work in studios, but I came to a point that I realized that even if I were able to earn a decent living doing that, I didn’t want that kind of lifestyle! I realized the reasons that I wanted to be a music teacher when I graduated high school were all the same reasons it still appealed to me as an adult and that it was perfect for me. So I got my shit together and went back to school. It kinda sucked, but it was so worth it!!! You will figure out your divine path, but it might be harder for you because your life has been a little more complex. That’s ok; it’s your cross to bear. We all have one. It’s been mine too, but we are so much wiser for it!!!

    You can and will be happy and fulfilled, but taking the first steps is the hardest part. Beginning to make change is the hardest part of change. It might not be perfect in the beginning, but once you begin the process of starting to make change, I promise, the doors will swing open for you along every step of your journey. If you don’t like what you are doing, get a different job. Or another little side job. Find something where you can utilize your writing skills in some way–any way. I will never forget how as soon as I made the decision to go back to school, everything just started happening like clockwork. Doors opened for me left and right–that was how I knew I was making the right decision!!! You are so smart–waiting on assholes in bars and restaurants is a great way to make a living and is fine–but you are clearly unfulfilled, and it is because your mind is not getting the use it deserves! I know; I’ve been there!

    This is long–I’m sorry! But I just so loudly heard my own voice in this post, I had to comment. Let me know if there is ever any what I can help you out, even if it’s just to talk.

    xoxo Zoë

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