20 Things That Are True–My Week In List Format.
1. The inside of a hospital does not, in fact, smell like “death.” It smells like lysol, bad food, vomit and poo–not mold, dirt and necrosis–therefore, it smells more like “infancy.”
2. Waiting for a donated organ is perhaps the only situation in which it’s actually a good thing to get sicker. Which my father is not doing.
3. Waiting for a donated organ while sitting in a hospital bed and being poked and prodded and forced to eat rubber english muffins is what I imagine purgatory to be like. Watching someone go through this process is only slightly less excruciating than experiencing it.
4. Sometimes the greatest help will come from someone you hadn’t thought to ask (thank you, David).
5. A good cheeseburger and a Guinness can heal a whole lotta hurt (thank you, Phil, David and Michael).
6. Saying “I love you” does not always work to cheer someone up, but it helps.
7. A catheter is a terrible, dangerous and frightening thing.
8. Sometimes the correct answer to “Why me?!” is “marijuana.” This is also an appropriate response to “What the fuck right now?” and “What the hell am I doing here?”
9. It is patently unfair of Mother Nature to suggest that there will be a thunderstorm and not deliver.
10. Cold showers are really, REALLY awful. Even in August.
11. An experienced nurse with a good sense of humor should be paid as much as a surgeon.
12. Pre-season football is a nothing but a reminder to fans of losing baseball teams that there really will be something to watch on ESPN in October.
13. A deafening rock show in a very small room is effective as a temporary cure for depression. This cure is significantly more effective when paired with cheap beer and good company.
14. Michael Vick should have his face bitten off. Someone should inform Mike Tyson that his services are needed, pronto.
15. The notion that the Hokey Pokey is what it’s all about is an insidious fallacy.
16. I will never comprehend the inability of certain people to find a triangle which is attached to the pool table.
17. There is a very compassionate medical technician at Tufts New England Medical Center named Jewel, who should be given a hefty raise for saving my sanity at least twice. Someone else should arrange this because bureaucracy makes me want to mutilate strangers, and that development would be counter-productive to Jewel’s initial sanity-preservation.
18. If a store is named “Store 24,” it is not unreasonable to expect that said store be open 24 hours a day.
19. The only tolerable reason for having chapped lips is if you’ve been making out with someone. This is not why my lips are chapped.
20. My father’s Pneumonia, which I didn’t know he had until today, is apparently almost gone.
21. I am incredibly bad at stopping a list once I’ve started it.
22. There is an animal of unknown species and considerable size rooting around in my back yard.
23. I love the number 23.
24. It’s three in the morning, again, and I am going to bed.